Fan Mail

Remember when Saturday Night Live was funny? Kevin Nealon used to do a good bit called "subliminal man". Here's my go at it - minus the funny part.

Every week I get lots of questions about myself (no I don't). People seem to think that because I built one hell of a backyard rink (cold makes ice not me), I have the ability to offer wisdom about other topics (how to match socks), and am full of interesting stories (that start with, "to get stubborn stains out...")and anecdotes. So let's begin:

Chris K. in RI asks: Scott, Can you give an example of a time a guy tried to give his girlfriend a compliment and it backfired? Good question Chris. In the mid 80's, I was in college at the University of Rhode Island and was attending a URI basketball game. The cheerleaders came on and did their flip, toss, stand in a pyramid thing. My friends and I marveled at their... ability, and one even told his girlfriend she would make a great cheerleader. She told him to stop sucking up so he could get lucky that night. He maintained his sincerity, and then to back up his claim, announced that she had the obvious attributes, one of which included being, "sturdy". The stands went silent...and so was dorm room #307 that night.

Caroline from Chelmsford, MA writes: Dad, is it true that as a kid you once skied to school? Caroline, Mimi had me do lots of strange things as a kid and I turned out fine. Your Auntie Nanci however....

Andy of Groton, MA wants to know: When you play hockey, what is the secret of knowing when to shoot and when to pass? The easy answer is this: When you pass and it doesn't work you should have shot. When you shoot and it doesn't go in, you should have passed.

Kevin from Lowell MA asks: When you work out at the gym, how did you get such large muscles and yet never seem to break a sweat? Kevin you sound like a novice so I won't overwhelm you with information. The trick is to only lift what you know you are capable of. The minute you start to strain, stop; unless a girl walks past. Then grunt and keep going. It's also a little known fact that the longer you work out the weaker you get. Get in and out of there as quick as possible to avoid fatigue.

Here's a nugget from Debbie of bcgi in Bedford, MA. Scott, in the 80's it was Aquanet. In the 90's it was gel. What is the secret to your hairstyle today? Well Debbie. I would recommend you change the person who cuts your hair at least once a year. Returning to the same person for 20 years straight is silly and nobody does it. And let me tell you, on days it rained while waiting for the bus, all you could smell was the aquanet on the bus ride to school.

Finally, Annelise in Seattle, WA wants to know: I have a strange obsession with vegetables. I even named my two pets after vegetables. Can you tell me a good vegetable joke? Well, I am not good at telling jokes, but here goes: A guy has celery sticking out of one ear, lettuce out of the other, and a zucchini up his nose. He goes to the doctor and asks him what's wrong. The doctor tells him, "Well, for one thing, you're not eating right."

Is anyone reading this anymore?